Sometimes I wonder why I keep on trying.
I wish I could be as talented as the popular photographers on Deviantart/Flickr. Not neccessarily because I want the same popularity, but because it all seems to come so easily to them.
Every piece they upload comes out beautifully, they always have perfect models, while I have to make do with myself.
I wish I had the confidence to ask one of my friends to model for me, or even to find a stranger willing to put up with my novice attempts at photography.
Not that I'll probably ever be able to do either.
Part of me wants to go to college, then later uni, but the larger, overruling part knows that it'll probably never happen. I don't have the belief in myself, or the courage to go somewhere and just trust in myself that I'm good enough to get by, that I'm just as deserving as anyone else to the chance to show off my supposed talents.
I wish I could show my writing to people who matter, I always put a light-hearted spin on it when I show friends, because I don't want them to know how much it means to me that they think it's anygood.
I'll be too old for uni anyway. Even if I did do college, I'd be the weird older kid who took all this time just to build up the nerve to do something most teenagers take in their stride.
My anxities are going to rule my life, they already do and I don't know what I can do about them.
I don't know how I will ever be able to sit in a job interview when I struggle even going into the store to ask for application forms, college has an interview too, I'd be too nervous, they'd see straight through me. They'd know I'm not good enough for them.
Nothing I ever do comes out good enough, nobody takes me seriously or expects me to ever be anything of any sustinance. I don't see how I'm supposed to have any confidence in myself when the people around me have given up hope.
I have this dream me inside my head. Like an alternative me, and she's brilliant.
She overcame everything, she's tried everything and become stronger for it.
I've never done a thing because everything scares me too much. I spend far more time feeling sick then should be normal, all anyone cares about is how much I weigh and it's completely insignificant to the rest of my life. People just focus on eating because they don't want to except that there just might be a bigger reason for it.
That the reason I've got no interest in food is because I've got no interest in anything, nothing fufills me anymore, I have no reason to go to bed because I've nothing to be up for.
I don't need to eat because I never need energy to do anything.
My greatest achievements over the last few months have been beating baddies on computer games. And even those took me more then one attempt.
I hate the way I dress, I hate my style but I don't want to spend money changing it only to risk hating the new one more.
People shout at me to tidy my room, but no-one's been in here for months.
I need to get better, I need to improve. I need to change and become the adult everyone's always telling me I should be.
